Sheep And The Goats (Covenant Eyes, MAGA Mike and WTF?? One.)

Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:

But I say unto you, That whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:

But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causes her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced commits adultery.

Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, Thou shalt not forswear thyself, but shalt perform unto the Lord thine oaths:

But I say unto you, Swear not at all; neither by heaven; for it is God's throne:

Nor by the earth; for it is his footstool: neither by Jerusalem; for it is the city of the great King.

Neither shalt thou swear by thy head, because thou canst not make one hair white or black.

But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. ~Matthew 5:26-37

So like I've been saying I get a creepy weird vibe from Mike Johnson, the new Speaker of the House. There's a reason for that. I have a church background, and I have a fair number of stories about "Conservative" and religious sexual freaks as a result of that.

You're about to hear one such story, welcome to hell.

***

As I've said before...and mentioned numerous times on here as I worked there for a majority of the time that I've had this blog, I worked in a casino for 18 years. Please keep in mind at all times that during the events of this particular anecdote I was in Stewarding at the time, a dishwasher. 

And don't forget to wash your hands.

Late in the fall of 2004 we got this new guy.

Bald, double-ugly, missing a bunch of teeth, kind of tall, dude literally looked and sounded like an Orc from World of Warcraft (which was the hot brand-new video game at the time) except he wasn't green. 

He had a cross tattooed on one bicep, he claimed to be religious, but we never saw that...and he was virulently homophobic and that was the one thing he'd talk Bible about. (This, we would observe.)

Not a bad worker, but genuinely not very bright, either. Not a bad guy...if you don't leave him alone with any farm animals, as it turned out.

Fast forward about six months, and on lunch break we're all sitting in the breakroom (and in those days most of us all sat at one long table in what was then the smoking side.) 

So, we're all sitting there. I'd just finished a cigarette and as I'm getting up to go refill my soda, somebody (I think it was my late best friend, Carl, but to this day I'm not sure...It got lost in the fog of what happened next) made a drive by comment about wanting to screw Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas and...as I'm walking over to the pop machine the last thing I hear is Orc Boy...loudly...saying "I would pick the corn out of her shit..."

(Mind you, we'd just had a sexual harassment training, like the week before)

I come back a few minutes later (having also decided to get something off the buffet, while I was up) to this dude loudly, by which I mean at full volume for what was a rather loud voice to start with, going on and on and on about fucking a goat, and then about fucking a sheep.

Right smack in the middle of the Breakroom. At Work, It's the middle of lunchtime (roughly 04:15 in the morning) meaning the actual professional people who wear suits and work nothing but day shift and often start early by choice are starting to show up.

There's like over a dozen other people at this table and we're all eye-rolling so hard we're making eye contact with each other sideways out of at least one eye with an emphatically shared, yet wordless message of "Oh My God, WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!"

And since the boss had told us all to take an extra five minutes...this crazy rambling fucked up perverted bullshit expanded to take up exactly that long, too.

As we're walking back into the kitchen to get back to work, I look at my friend Josh and tell him "Don't trust [Orc Boy] to watch Spazz" (Spazz was Josh's then young and hyper cat.)

We were collectively gobsmacked about this shit for days afterward, I don't know how the hell nobody complained.

Motherfucker came into work the next day we both worked, carrying a copy of The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren sticking out the side pocket of his backpack.

**** 

So yeah, pardon me if I don't trust the sexual morality of alleged Evangelical or Fundamentalist Christians, and I've got a fair number of stories like this one...which I'll be making a series out of now. If you need an "Accountability partner, an app or a computer program...much less creepy panopticon Jesus-ed up surveillance to control or regulate your pornography use, sexual urges and various and assorted drives, what the fuck is even wrong with you??

Don't you have a brain, a soul, and/or various religious doctrines you ascribe damned near magical power to...for all that stuff???

And the Republican Party elected this guy as their political leader, he's second in line behind Kamala Harris for the Presidency of the United States, should anything happen to Joe Biden.

I should note that Biden is rather famously Catholic and Harris is an American Baptist with a background in Black churches and neither of them needs a surveillance app to control their sexuality.

I'm here to tell you that the alleged sexual morals of Evangelical Christians ain't all that.

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"The fight is here; I need ammunition, not a ride." ~Volodymyr Zelenskyy, allegedly 25 February 2022, Associated Press